One more day...

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

 

 
Tomorrow marks 2 yrs since my Grandma passed away.. It's so hard to believe its been 2 yrs since I last told her I loved you, felt her soft skin, kissed her sweet cheek, touched her soft hair..  Its in understatement to say this woman is missed.. Dearly.. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and wish I could sit in her living room with her again, watch her hug my kids, or give me a hug. Share another story with her, watch her do a little dance, smile at me.. I try to keep the memory of her alive, share stories about her with my kids, remember things about her.  I remember the night she passed away, and I was sitting on the couch with Jeff, in a complete fog, trying to make sense of everything.. I just kept crying, and rubbing my hands, saying I never wanted to forget her touch.  I always told her I loved her soft hands, we all did.. I miss her dearly... we all do...

This picture brings a smile to my face.  To tell my kids that Grandma had passed, was a really hard thing to do.  Aleena had seen her the night before she passed, and was so upset that things didn't seem to be doing good.  When I told her that Grandma didn't make it through the night, she ran upstairs crying, and came back down with this picture, saying she had drawn it for Grandma, to make her feel better.  I broke down, again. We put this in the casket with my Grandma, and the lady at the funeral home was kind enough to scan it and email it to me. It's now framed, in a collage of pictures in our entry way.

 

What Is a Grandma?

A grandma is warm hugs and sweet memories. She remembers all of your accomplishments and forgets all of your mistakes. She is someone you can tell your secrets and worries to, and she hopes and prays that all your dreams come true. She always loves you, no matter what. She can see past temper tantrums and bad moods, and makes it clear that they don't affect how precious you are to her. She is an encouraging word and a tender touch. She is full of proud smiles. She is the one person in the world who loves you with all her heart, who remembers the child you were and cherishes the person you've become. ~Barbara Cage~


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Day 17? 18?

I forget.. but so far I'm doing great on my 30 days of blogging.. except.. today I have..

I'm tired.. and mentally spent tonight.. and going to relax on the couch with my husband and son.. and watch..

Thank you so much for all of the prayers on Aleena.. I really appreciate it.. I will keep you guys all updated, I promise.  Again, I feel confident it's nothing, but as a mother, I can't help but worry at the same time!! 

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Oncology Referral?? One of the hardest calls I've had to make..

A few weeks ago I shared with you about some testing that my daughter Aleena was going through.  She had her blood work done a few weeks ago, and the results from that were normal.  Last week she went in for an Ultrasound on her Armpit and breast area.  The Radiologist told Jeff that day that he didn't see anything alarming, but to wait until we heard from the DR.  Today the DR told Jeff that we needed to take her to see an Oncologist.  My heart dropped when I got this message from Jeff this morning.  She does have an enlarged lymph node.. now to just find out why.

I'm sure that everything is fine, but I'm still scared and worried about the what if's, and will be until I get a clear diagnosis.  Unfortunately the soonest we could get in to the pediatric oncologist is next Friday, the 26th.  This will be an agonizing 10 days for me.  Over the past 5-6 yrs I've done a lot of volunteer work, on various levels, all dealing with pediatric cancer patients in one way or another.  I've taken meals, done balloon releases, attended prayer vigils, funerals, visited in the hospital, given care packages etc.. The past few years I've stopped doing it, not because I didn't enjoy it, life just got really really busy for me, with the kids in school full time, all playing sports, sometimes multiple sports.  I still think about all of the families I've helped, and met along the way.  And to think, I've gotten so settled in my ways, and something like this could happen to me. 

Again, I know it's likely not lymphoma.  But... to have to go see an oncologist, scares me..  a lot.  I broke down at work today, thinking of the possibilities.  The what ifs.. And thinking of my Grandpa.  He lost his battle with Lymphoma a little over 2 yrs ago.  I'll admit it.. I'm scared, and worried..  But I won't let it consume me.  I just pray that in time we'll learn it's nothing! 

I'm one that believes in prayer, I believe in putting good thoughts in the universe, and good things will happen.  I used to be one that when something happened to one of my kids, I'd send a quick text out to family, asking for prayers.. you know, Aleena going to the ER with an injured wrist, ankle etc., Jeff's daddy in the hospital, not doing good etc.  Well behind my back I was getting flamed by family.. for asking for prayers too much and making a big deal of nothing.  Its not like I was sending these requests out every week.. Aleena's been to the ER 3 times in her life, and daddy 1-2 times a year with strokes, and other issues.  But to me they weren't nothings... To me it was something important.  I don't want to see my daughter with a broken bone, in a cast, Daddy going through even more tests to find out whats wrong with him etc.  When I found out my family was talking about me like that, I cut them off, I don't email them updates anymore, or send them texts, and they aren't on my Facebook..  My new saying about life is.. don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.. I was wrong in thinking that I could count on my family to be my biggest supporters. I've learned though that it mainly comes from friends.. Don't get me wrong.. I have a few family members I know really have a vested interest in me, and my kids..

I'm one that keeps my family, those here at home and extended in my prayers, but I realize not everyone does that..  SO I ask if you pray, and believe in prayers.. then please keep my family in your prayers!  I'll keep you guys updated here..

Thank you,

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Boy oh Boy...

When you send your loved ones to a place to be taken care of, you are entrusting them with everything, and hopeful they will do so to the best of their ability. Yesterday was a very frustrating day for me when visiting Daddy.

After going to Daddy’s room and realizing he wasn’t there, the CNA walking down the hall informed me he was in the ice cream social… I said “What, he’s not supposed to be having ice cream! He’s on a Nectar Thick Diet”.. She looked at me dumbfounded to which I explained to her that ice cream melts, turns to pure liquid when running down his throat… so she led me to him and she took the ice cream away.

Daddy told her he was having some chest pains, she said she’d get the nurse to wait there. After approx. 5 minutes I wheeled him to the nurses’ station where I waited for a few minutes before I believe it was the Liaison standing there that asked me how she could help me. I told her that Daddy was having chest pains and I needed him checked out, she went to his nurse, who was on the phone and said as soon as you get off of the phone and get that fax taken care of, will you check on Mr. Rogers, he’s having chest pains. I waited another 5 minutes, with Daddy doubled over in pain, short of breath, and telling me that it felt like his heart was pumping it’s last amount of blood, I asked the nurse how much longer she’d be, and she said she was checking over his medicine list. I said I didn’t care about a medicine list, he doesn’t have nitro, to come over and check his BP, listen to him something! After another minute of watching him in pain I went to an office just on the other side of the nurses’ station and found the head nurse and the Liaison talking. I said I needed someone to check him out ASAP, at this point it had been almost 15 minutes since our first complaint of chest pains.. finally someone came to check his vitals, they got him a BP med, pain pill for chest pain, and some Mylanta… I went to the Therapy Room and found the Rehab MGR and explained my issues to her, and she walked me back to the nurses’ station and communicated with the head nurse the things that have just taken place.

Which brings me to my next issue. He’s on a Nectar Thick Diet, he aspirates thin liquids, he’s already got pneumonia likely due to aspirating liquids. He was given water thin Mylanta. After he started feeling better, it was dinner time. Upon his arrival to the dining table they brought daddy a bowl of soup, with water then broth in it, and crackers ( he can’t have crunchy items, on a manual soft diet)! I brought it to the soup station and showed him his ticket where there is a big NT, for Nectar Thick.. to show them he was not supposed to have thin liquids. After waiting 10 minutes and still no new soup I approached the same gentlemen and asked him if they had thickener there to thicken the broth, so he could have some soup, and after he discussed it with some other guy they went to the kitchen and returned with a pureed bowl of soup for him to eat. According to Daddy he’s even had Salads with dressings? And according to the list we received from the last location, salads were not allowed? No raw vegetables, dressings (too thin) etc??

His BP was a little high yesterday during all of this, so I pray that he was just having horrible indigestion and that was causing the discomfort, and pain can make your BP rise. Jeff is going up there soon to visit with him. Please continue to keep him in your prayers.

Regret...

Regret…..

The definition of Regret is: to feel sorry and sad about something previously done or said that now appears wrong, mistaken or hurtful to others. A feeling or expression of sorrow and guilt for a past action or event that you now wish had not happened or had happened differently.

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard people say “I have no regrets, just life experiences” or “ I have no regrets.. It has made me who I am”… Really?? When looking back at your life there is NOTHING that you regret? I think people look at the word Regret as something nasty and dirty, admitting you’ve done something wrong, and can’t portray themselves as anything less than perfect… None of us are perfect and we’ve all made mistakes.. and those that can learn from them and better themselves are the wisest.

“People so seldom say I love you and then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, it doesn't mean I know you'll never go, only that I wish you didn't have to.”

SO I decided to take time and list some of my Regrets… Things that I wish I could go back in time and change… And honestly; some of these I still struggle with today, even though I regret it each time.

• Not going to spend more time with my grandmother in her last months, out of fear of having to see my
• Uncle who I could care less to ever see again.
• Not filling out my kids’ baby books in full detail to go back and look over.
• Not taking more pictures of Joey when he was a baby.
• For taking Joey to see his “father”, thinking it would be a pleasant trip; instead my 4 yr old son got to witness his father in a very scary state of mind.
• Not going to college right out of high school when my time wasn’t as sparse as it is now.
• Not enjoying the beaches back home as much as I should have
• Raising my voice at my kids when I’m tired and have no patience
• Losing touch with some very special friends in my life
• Not biting my tongue more often when I’m upset or angry about something…. Loose Lips Sink Ships…
• On the flip side of that; I don’t regret defending myself (or other loved ones) when the time is right.

Stressing over things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things… cleaning house, dishes to be done, not always letting my children just be kids and have fun..

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable”


And here are a list of some unpleasant things in my life that have happened, that I don’t regret.. These are the kind of things that have happened that have made me a stronger person.

• For loving the people that have walked out of my life
• For giving all of my trust to those that took advantage of it and taught me who I can and can’t trust
• For loving those that have hurt me
• For having Joey at such an early age; a SR in High School
• For not graduating when I was supposed to and having to go to Night School the following year to graduate
• For giving people 2nd, 3rd chances after being hurt by them
• For not staying in contact with people in my past that live their life in a way that I don’t want my kids to be a part of it.. I love them, and will keep them in my prayers that things get turned around.
• The decisions we made as a couple when we were going through all of our issues a few years ago, although difficult, needed to be done.

For not always giving more chances to those that continue to hurt me. There’s a saying that goes something like Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me… I believe in forgiveness but it doesn’t mean I’m a doormat for harsh words, lack of consideration, constant criticism etc. I try not to surround myself around negativity all of the time.

Those are the things that I try not to dwell on to much; we’ve all been in these situations, and often times are stuck focusing on those bad things, that we don’t count our blessings we have before us. We all can find joy in our life, even amongst the worst of sorrow and anguish we might be feeling.
Obviously I could add many things to each of these lists. These are just a few of the things that come to mind while I sit here now.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us”

Missing you dearly...

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my Grandma's death.. 1 yr ago tonight is the last time I seen her alive. I miss her more then words can express..

Here is a link to my blog I posted the day she passed away..

http://mommyrogers.blogspot.com/2008/02/shes-in-better-place.html
The date posted on here is the 22nd, but I posted it after midnight on the 21st... I still get a knot in my stomach and tear up thinking of it.. so that's all..
Here's my favorite picture of her..

Stressed out Day..

I had to deal with so many phone calls today...

1st Joey.. On Thursday I got a phone call from the school to come pick him up; that he needed to be seen ASAP due to an asthma attack. Took him in, got put on antiobiotics, steroids etc.. Also found out from the CT Scan that he's only got one sinus passage?? Maybe that explains his chronic sinusitis? He's got to see an ENT in a few weeks to find out what we can do.. he's still not doing great, but has exams this week, so we can't afford for him not to be there.. He's better then last week, just not good... So I had to talk to his nurse a few times...

Then.. we noticed that Peyton's eyes now cross with his glasses on.. He curled up into a ball last night so upset about it... I had to schedule him an appt with his eye DR..

Then daddy.. I had to take him to the DR on Friday, we found out that he's got a hernia in his groin.. Well today, my sister Johann (THANK YOU JOHANN), took him to the general surgeon..WE found out that he not only has ONE hernia.. but 2.. One on each side of his groin.. AND his bowels are going down in his hernia.. He's at risk of having blood flow completely cut off to his bowels, so has to have surgery asap to fix it.. SO Jeff is taking him to his cardiologist Wed afternoon to get clearance from him.. He has to have 2 seperate surgeries due to where they are at. the DR said if they did them both at once, he'd not be able to walk for a few months. So he'll get one repaired now, and the other 4-6 wks out. My concern is that he has a hard time getting out of the chairs now... how is he going to do it after they rebuild his muscle walls in his groin and has stitches?? SO off I am to research some used power chairs.. He doesn't qualify through medicare because they've already gotten him a wheelchair! *sigh*...

My head hurts.. I feel like I'm going to explode.. really...

The Juggling Act is Over....

Well, almost! And is it REALLY ever over? I’m of course talking about the ever crammed schedule, keeping up with dates, running around etc. It’s never over for parents, it does however slow down and you can actually focus on the balls going around, instead of chasing after them and trying to get them all back in control again. This past week was by far the busiest week we’ve had this school year thus far. Today is Friday, but this weekend will be anything but relaxing, but definitely fun!!
Last weekend we had the OU game, Aslynn’s party and Halloween... I’m slowly getting pictures uploaded and edited!! Hopefully tonight I’ll be able to put up the OU pictures. But this is how my week has been, and what’s to come this weekend.
Monday; We didn’t have any running around; just catching up on housework and laundry
Tuesday; Peyton had his end of the year soccer party at 5:30, Aleena had soccer practice from 6-7:15p, Joey had to stay after school until 6:30.
Wednesday; Joey had a late start day, but had to be there from 6a-8a, then go back at 10, and stayed until 6:30, Aleena had Art Masters that AM before school, and soccer practice 5:30-7, and Peyton had soccer practice at 5. And Joey had Referee class from 7-9, and Jeff had to be at the soccer office from 7-8:30 for tournament registration. And I went to sort Jeff's parents medicines and made another trip back over there to bring them a few things from the store.
Yesterday, NOTHING… that felt great.. I was actually in bed by 8:30, which was well needed! Yesterday was an emotionally draining day for me!
Tonight Aleena starts her soccer tournament…We have 1 game tonight, 2 on Saturday, and 1 on Sunday. And Jeff has a game on Sunday!

That doesn't include homework, cooking dinner, baths, grocery shopping etc that has been done!

Can you believe the Holiday Season is already here?? I can’t!!! Have you started shopping yet?? I’m hoping to start that really soon!! My moms birthday is next week, as well as my Great Niece Chelynn’s. Chelynn, is having a party next Saturday, I’m not sure yet what were doing for my mom.

Prayers for a special little guy...

I'm a blog troll; I admit it.. I link to one blog, that links me to another and so on, I get so far into it that I don't know how I got from one to another. But I got hooked on one ladies blog where she was chronicling her Love Story; about how she met her husband... Her nephew was born last week and is fighting for his life right now. You can view his blog here http://wittharrislupher.blogspot.com/2008/10/sun-bathing-our-son.html You can click on the banner on the top of that link to go back to the main blog. But I link you to that page because it reminds me of Peyton's days in NICU. The heartache we felt not knowing what was going on with our son. He spent days like that in his little bed; with leads all over his head monitoring brain activity, feeding tube in his nose, leads on his chest, and oxygen monitor wrapped around his foot. And endured many tests trying to explain to us why my son would stop breathing, why my son didn't cry, but instead laid there motionless etc.. Thankfully he came home with us, and today is an extremely active fun loving 7 yr old son. Please keep Witt in your prayers; those with his condition usually don't go home to there family.

Adding it all up.. and feeling Blah!

Yesterday was a rough day. I was utterly exhausted; and working in my department alone. Looking back on yesterday I ate way more junk then I needed/should have... And won’t step on the scale for a week…

I drank 2 cans of DR Pepper at work 150 calories each = 300
Cup of oatmeal, I’m not sure on the calorie count... But I’ll take a guess at 150
Tuna and crackers = 225
Bag of sunchips while waiting for the car to get washed = 350
Then heading to the concert we stopped off at Whataburger; and I just about had a heart attack just now while adding up the calories on there site!!! I got a Chicken sandwich meal for a whopping grand total of 1230 Calories
I had water at the concert….
Then on the way home everyone was hungry so we went through Burger King and I got a JR Whopper with Cheese no onion = 420 calories *sigh*

For a grand total of 2,675 calories!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!! I’m sick; I can’t believe I did that… I was so excited yesterday because I had to use a new whole on my belt last night. That’s OK… After I guzzle down this DR Pepper this AM (shh... I need a little wake me up this AM!), I’m sticking to just water and lettuce! J I’m hoping to be able to walk and get the kids again today. If not; I’ll be on the treadmill tonight or something. I’m going to have to work hard to get rid of the damage from yesterday. I’m going to justify it and say that I’ve been doing so good for awhile; that it’s NOT quite the end of the world that I did some major gorging yesterday?? Right??

Ok; On to the concert... We had a GREAT time!!! There were 2 opening acts that were OK... And the Cheetah girls were good. We had floor seats and just imagine the sheer joy in my baby girl’s eyes when the cheetah girls got on a stage less then 5 ft from us!! She really had a great time. As always; I have pictures... I’ll try and upload some in the next day or two and talk more about the concert and our time there.

It's amazing looking back....

At the beginning of the month I like to dig through my archives and see what I was doing this time last year… You can go here to read about it. Our family has come a long way since that time last year. We’ve gotten stronger after having gone through all of the struggles back then we were going through. For those of you wondering; Jeff and I are doing great as well. We have our typical marriage squabbles, and I think were back to “normal”. J

Jeff’s parents lost a very dear friend yesterday. Tom was a very sweet and funny man. He’s come to our house for there surprise anniversary party last year and Daddy’s 80^th birthday party last month. He visited Daddy in the hospital many times over the years. Those of you at the party will remember how funny this man is! When Daddy went to blow out his candles Tom quickly said “Watch out, here come the teeth!” the laughter that erupted in our house from this man. And they were always trying to outdo each other on there birthdays. Mom sent us and Bridget every year on a card chase; determined to beat Tom’s previous card. They looked for the funniest card they could find for him. At Daddy’s birthday party last month Tom and I talked about MI; he had just gotten back from Grand Rapids visiting his family up there… We talked about the trees and beaches… He was a good guy; and leaves behind some funny memories with mom and dad. One of my favorite pictures is of Daddy talking to him at there anniversary party; I’ll have to put that up in a few days… But Daddy just had the HUGEST smile on his face laughing, as always, while talking to Tom. As my sister Johann said; Daddy just lit up when Tom was in the room with him.

3 years....

Today marks my 3^rd year anniversary at my new job… 3 years since I gave up daycare... How I miss my kids dearly that I used to keep. I don’t hear from to many of them anymore and that saddens me. I think about them starting school, wondering what they look like now. Do they remember me? 3 yrs ago I started my daily trek to down town Dallas for my new job. While I miss my daycare kids very much; I don’t miss the business. I’m very thankful for my flexibility I have now. I’m thankful for the new friends I’ve made since coming here. I get to pick my kids up from school every day; I can take off when we’re sick without fear of upsetting someone... And the best part of that?? I still get paid for it… I can ask for vacation days and not worry about people upset that I’m ruining their plans as well. I come home to my house the same way I left it (but I also have less time to work on getting it clean now)… But I also miss the countless hugs and kisses, the “I love you Miss Carrie”, laughing till I got tears over some of the witty things kids can say, watching children grow and learn… coming up with my lessons to work with them, planning our parties… I also miss spending the day at home with my kids. I couldn’t do that now as my kids are all in school, but I miss those days a lot. But I’m so thankful for that time I got with them during the day; to be a part of there every move. I feel really blessed with where I’ve come from; and where I’m at now. God, I thank you for putting people into my life at just the right time, they have been there for me in immeasurable ways. I am truly blessed with all of the changes that have come my way; not only in the past 3 yrs, but in my lifetime. I’ve had to go through some tough struggles during these past 3 yrs and I’m not sure that I could have gone through them as smoothly had I been doing daycare. I don’t think I could have taken the time off I needed (and kept all of my children I had) with the passing of 2 grandparents, my trials in marriage, and all of the sickness that Peyton endured had I been doing daycare still.

Happy Friday to you all... My kids have early release today; we have soccer games tomorrow and we’ll be going to a pumpkin patch. The kids are excited; I’m thrilled we are having great weather... My laptop is on the fritz; a friend’s boyfriend will be fixing it for us this weekend. Hopefully by next week I can start sharing pictures again. I have several to share.

I must.. I must...

Decrease my gut!!

Since giving up daycare I've slowly continued to gain weight. I used to chase after kids all day, hardly ever sitting down. Now I sit down all day and hardly move around! I've gone from 125 up to about 152lbs in 3 yrs. I'm almost 5' 9", but I think most of it is around my midsection. This isn't anything new to those that have been reading my blogs for a long time.

But starting today; no more Dr Peppers!! WHAT.. are you crazy.. NO morning juice for me! *sigh*.. But after jean shoppin this weekend, it's a sacrifice I MUST make... I started my slimfast shakes again for breakfast, getting the 100 calorie snacks, and having salads for lunch. Just need to work on my dinners, I'm a carboholic; love my pasta's. Not much of a meat eater, so I think my dinners will be a Veggie Delight!

I have a treadmill in my garage but that's been overtaken by Jeff's car that is broken down. I started walking to pick the kids up, which is about a 45 minute walk. I'd like to add in another walk in the evenings, to do some "wogging" as well. And need to start doing my videos again. Hoping to trim down some!!

No words needed.....

You're remembered......

We all remember exactly what we were doing exactly 7 yrs ago today. I pray that you still think about this day, still try to make the most out of each day. And continue to think about all of the families affected by this tragedy, and all of those serving our country.

To Joey...

I’ve been thinking a lot about a conversation that took place between us a few weeks ago. While swimming at Nana’s house I was sharing the story about how I found out I was PG with you. I mentioned that after taking my pregnancy test I went to my cousin Regina’s house the next day and cried to her about it. Your response was “Geez, that makes me feel good to know that you cried because you were PG with me.”.

It was 1 month after I turned 17; I was a senior in high school, and had been dating your “father” for a little over a year. Our relationship was anything but solid. I cried wondering how I was going to provide for this child that God had entrusted to me. I worried about having a job, going to school and taking care of you; while showing you every day how much I really loved you. I was still being raised by my mother, who was single raising 3 kids on her own. We did without a lot growing up, my mom worked hard to put food on the table, and provide us with clothing; watching her struggle on a very skim budget. I was scared that while essentially being a child myself, that I wasn’t going to be able to be the mother I needed to be to you.

Joey you were no mistake. I know without a doubt that I was entrusted with you, as a way to save me. I wasn’t making the best decisions at that time in my life. Shortly after having you I enrolled in Night School (to get my last few HS credits needed), got a part time job and took care of you. This couldn’t have been done without the help of my mother during this time.

Because of you I moved to Texas, in hopes to create something more, to give you a better life. To get myself away from the road I was heading down. I moved to Texas, got a job, later got an apartment with my mom, and put you in daycare.. I was making it as a single mother, with some help from my mother.

Having you in my life, as well as your 2 siblings, is the most gratifying, self rewarding job ever. I’m in awe of the amount of responsibility you show, the thoughtfulness you portray on a daily basis. You are 14 yrs old and still the sweetest, funniest kid I’ve always known. I love you more then words could ever express. I know I’m not a perfect mother, noone is. We all make mistakes in everything we do. I wake up each morning and pray that I have the strength and wisdom to deal with whatever parenthood throws my way this day. I pray that I show you guys each and every day how much you really mean to me, that I’m taking all of the right steps in raising you. And while you don’t understand some of the things I make you do, things I say to you, you will some day. I tell you guys every day that my job as your mother isn’t to take care of you day in and out, but to teach you to be a self sufficient, loving adult. And I hope I’m making the right steps today to get you there, along with your brother and sister.

I love you, all the way to the moon and back…

How Ironic..

I was just reading through my blog, trying to figure out what I was doing this time last year. It's interesting how things were going back then. But yesterday was a day that I was sad and depressed over my grandmother. On April 22, 2007 I was with my grandmother, trying to remember all I could about her. You can go here http://mommyrogers.blogspot.com/2007/04/role-reversals.html to see what I put in my blog that day.

Love you and miss you Grandma.

Still adjusting...

Yesterday marked 2 months since my grandmother passed away. I'm still having a difficult time getting used to the idea of not seeing her again, in this lifetime. Some days it seems like a blur, like she's just a phone call, 30 minute drive away. And other days, the pain is just as raw as it was before. Aleena has had her moments of break down as well. We all love her, miss her very much. My mom is still struggling with it as well. I was cleaning out my inbox and found the email I sent out the night she passed away; and I sat here with tears flowing down, remembering the pain I felt that day. I remember sitting in the car with my mom that night telling her how upset I was that I wasn't strong for her, that she was being strong for me, and it was her mother. Well as everyone said, it happened that way for a reason. She was in shock; she really broke down at the funeral, and I had enough composure to comfort her. My mother and I don't have the mother daughter relationship I'd love to have with her, but I pray she knows how much I love her, and value her.

I LOVE this picture; my two toothless babies with Grandma..

Probably my favorite picture of her I have; this was before she got sick and lost her weight, and I LOVE this smile she has. Looks like she's staring right at me....
Aleena and Grandma..

She's in a better place...

I've said for years that I've been fortunate enough to not have lost anyone close to me. I've always known that was a pain I didn't want to endure though. My Grandfather passed away in September; I loved my grandfather very much, but we weren't close. He spent most of my childhood an alcoholic and I don't have any fond memories of him from my younger years. It was in the past 5-6 yrs he really started to make a turn around. I was saddened by his death.

But today I've experienced what it's like to lose someone that I'm really close too. My grandmother passed away this morning at 1:41AM. Yesterday evening her Blood Pressure dropped, and kept dropping. her blood counds kept dropping, she had lost a lot of her blood prior to having her procedure to stop the bleeding.

I have many great memories of my childhood involving my grandmother. She was the true matriarch of my family; the rock, backbone, and glue of our family. My Grandmother has 13 kids, and close to 70 grandkids and great grandkids. And she is deeply loved by all of us, and will be deeply missed. This woman truly had a heart of gold; and a woman very close to God. I've never seen this lady talk bad about anyone, condemn, criticize, raise her voice etc. She was the sweetest, most calm, sweet person you could ever ask for. She was always full of great advice, wisdom and had more love then one could ever imagine for her entire family. I was able to spend some time with her before she passed; I was there for about 5 hours. I went into a tail spin when they said there was nothing more we could do for her. I started shaking horribly bad, felt like my legs were made out of bricks, turned white as a ghost, and couldn't stop crying. After spending some time lying on the floor of the waiting room my mom called and had Jeff come get me. At this point my Grandma had quit breathing and her heart had stopped 3 times; she had lost a lot of blood, kidneys were failing, heart failure, and she was sedated and had a ventilator breathing for her. It was time for us to let her go. And they were letting us spend time with her. I hugged her, and kissed her, held her hands for a long time, and rubbed my hands through her soft white hair that I've always loved. I told her over and over how much I love her, and how much my kids love her. Then I went into my tailspin. Jeff came to get me and I could barely walk in the house, and managed to get to the bathroom just in time to get really sick. I remember sitting on the couch crying and telling Jeff I was scared to go to bed. Scared I'd forget what her hair felt like, and what her hands felt like. I dug and dug for a picture of her I was determined to find and put on my nightstand, after tearing my closet apart I never found it. I finally crawled into bed, my entire body felt like dead weight that I couldn't move. This isn't the kind of pain I imagined I'd have. It was almost as hard to tell my kids this afternoon that Grandma Johnnie had lost her battle; and rejoicing in the arms of Jesus right now. Like I told Grandma yesterday; humans are generaly greedy, selfish people. We want our loved ones to be here with us forever, but not if they are in pain, we don't want to watch her suffer anymore.

I'm working on her obituary now and buring pictures to CD's to pass out to her kids while they are in town. They are all of the pictures from the Family Reunion we had in November, and pictures from our trip to MI in September for my Grandpa's funeral. My family is passed out but I'm finding it hard to go to sleep. I got about 3.5 hrs of sleep last night, and about 5 the night before. I took some nighttime pills a bit ago in hopes it would help me sleep. My family from MI has started arriving, and we'll have plenty more over the next few days.

Please keep us all in your prayers.

RIP Johnnie, we love you!!! And can't wait to see you again. ((HUGS))...

Fall come back!!

Today it didn't even reach 60, it's very windy, rainy and nasty out there. It's in the high 40's low 50's at night.... Sad thing is we aren't ready for it. Our heaters are the only thing in our house run on gas, and with all of the financial troubles we've been through, I let that get disconnected several months ago. With expectations of taking care of it in the next few weeks. So needless to say we are without heat in our house right now. And they've added a large deposit onto our bill that has to be paid as well.
It's only 74 in the house right now but with the expected lows over the next few nights I'm afraid it'll get worse before it gets better.
Through Thursday our high will not be over 63, with the low at 45. Then on Friday our high gets up too 70, gradually getting up to 76 by next Wed, with the low still getting in mid 50's. It always seems we are taking a few steps forward to just get knocked back down. I'm REALLY tired of it all right now...

Off to work on the house some and get the kids into bed. I have to go add extra blankets to there bed for tonight.