3 years....

Today marks my 3^rd year anniversary at my new job… 3 years since I gave up daycare... How I miss my kids dearly that I used to keep. I don’t hear from to many of them anymore and that saddens me. I think about them starting school, wondering what they look like now. Do they remember me? 3 yrs ago I started my daily trek to down town Dallas for my new job. While I miss my daycare kids very much; I don’t miss the business. I’m very thankful for my flexibility I have now. I’m thankful for the new friends I’ve made since coming here. I get to pick my kids up from school every day; I can take off when we’re sick without fear of upsetting someone... And the best part of that?? I still get paid for it… I can ask for vacation days and not worry about people upset that I’m ruining their plans as well. I come home to my house the same way I left it (but I also have less time to work on getting it clean now)… But I also miss the countless hugs and kisses, the “I love you Miss Carrie”, laughing till I got tears over some of the witty things kids can say, watching children grow and learn… coming up with my lessons to work with them, planning our parties… I also miss spending the day at home with my kids. I couldn’t do that now as my kids are all in school, but I miss those days a lot. But I’m so thankful for that time I got with them during the day; to be a part of there every move. I feel really blessed with where I’ve come from; and where I’m at now. God, I thank you for putting people into my life at just the right time, they have been there for me in immeasurable ways. I am truly blessed with all of the changes that have come my way; not only in the past 3 yrs, but in my lifetime. I’ve had to go through some tough struggles during these past 3 yrs and I’m not sure that I could have gone through them as smoothly had I been doing daycare. I don’t think I could have taken the time off I needed (and kept all of my children I had) with the passing of 2 grandparents, my trials in marriage, and all of the sickness that Peyton endured had I been doing daycare still.

Happy Friday to you all... My kids have early release today; we have soccer games tomorrow and we’ll be going to a pumpkin patch. The kids are excited; I’m thrilled we are having great weather... My laptop is on the fritz; a friend’s boyfriend will be fixing it for us this weekend. Hopefully by next week I can start sharing pictures again. I have several to share.

So bummed......

Yet again, it looks like a fun, highly anticipated trip will have to be cancelled last minute. No matter how hard I try, something happens that stops it from going through. Twice we’ve had to cancel Disney Trips (first time due to our van’s transmission going out a few weeks before, and the 2^nd because of Jeff losing his job 1.5 months before). This time it looks like we might be cancelling our trip to NYC. I planned this as a trip for Jeff’s 40^th birthday, a joint birthday trip as mine is just 2 wks after his. But it looks like HE has another plan for us. Jeff’s car broke down last week and it’s going to cost us more $ and time to fix then I had hoped. And Jeff got 2 tickets back in May that he failed to tell me about, so now that’s another $400. And last month his commission checks were a lot less then I had hoped for. That combined with extra $ being spent on our trip to MI, dental bills quickly accumulating... Etc... It might still work out to go, but it’s looking less likely as the time goes on. I’m really bummed; I was SUPER excited about doing this for Jeff, to see the Yankees in Yankee Stadium, before they tear it down. I feel like a schmuck... But, what can I do...

To Joey...

I’ve been thinking a lot about a conversation that took place between us a few weeks ago. While swimming at Nana’s house I was sharing the story about how I found out I was PG with you. I mentioned that after taking my pregnancy test I went to my cousin Regina’s house the next day and cried to her about it. Your response was “Geez, that makes me feel good to know that you cried because you were PG with me.”.

It was 1 month after I turned 17; I was a senior in high school, and had been dating your “father” for a little over a year. Our relationship was anything but solid. I cried wondering how I was going to provide for this child that God had entrusted to me. I worried about having a job, going to school and taking care of you; while showing you every day how much I really loved you. I was still being raised by my mother, who was single raising 3 kids on her own. We did without a lot growing up, my mom worked hard to put food on the table, and provide us with clothing; watching her struggle on a very skim budget. I was scared that while essentially being a child myself, that I wasn’t going to be able to be the mother I needed to be to you.

Joey you were no mistake. I know without a doubt that I was entrusted with you, as a way to save me. I wasn’t making the best decisions at that time in my life. Shortly after having you I enrolled in Night School (to get my last few HS credits needed), got a part time job and took care of you. This couldn’t have been done without the help of my mother during this time.

Because of you I moved to Texas, in hopes to create something more, to give you a better life. To get myself away from the road I was heading down. I moved to Texas, got a job, later got an apartment with my mom, and put you in daycare.. I was making it as a single mother, with some help from my mother.

Having you in my life, as well as your 2 siblings, is the most gratifying, self rewarding job ever. I’m in awe of the amount of responsibility you show, the thoughtfulness you portray on a daily basis. You are 14 yrs old and still the sweetest, funniest kid I’ve always known. I love you more then words could ever express. I know I’m not a perfect mother, noone is. We all make mistakes in everything we do. I wake up each morning and pray that I have the strength and wisdom to deal with whatever parenthood throws my way this day. I pray that I show you guys each and every day how much you really mean to me, that I’m taking all of the right steps in raising you. And while you don’t understand some of the things I make you do, things I say to you, you will some day. I tell you guys every day that my job as your mother isn’t to take care of you day in and out, but to teach you to be a self sufficient, loving adult. And I hope I’m making the right steps today to get you there, along with your brother and sister.

I love you, all the way to the moon and back…

The past year...

It's so hard to believe that a year ago this week Jeff lost his job. I was sitting down and thinking today about everything that I've been through this year and it makes my head hurt. And it brings a sense of inner piece to know that I've made it, and were OK...

On November 13th Jeff lost his job. Our world was flipped upside down really quick.. A trip to Disney was quickly cancelled, our 2nd cancelled trip there in just a few years. The one before was cancelled after the transmission went out in our van. Christmas was not looking so great last year; and I quickly learned who my truest and greatest friends were.

Peyton started to get sick nonstop. We dealt with busted ear drums, ear infections, strep, virals, 5ths disease, etc. He was having unexpected nose bleeds, aching bones (to the extent that he cried when he needed to walk up stairs etc), really tired etc. So right away the DR ordered blood work to rule out many things. Unfortunately his blood work came back very abnormal, and he was put on some meds and it was redone. Most of the numbers came back in normal range, except his WBC. He started to feel better and things got back to normal so we didn't do anymore blood work. But that might change; his lymph nodes are now really enlarged, so next week we'll be getting him in if he's not doing better. Right now he's on antibiotics for strep.

With Jeff losing his job we got rid of my truck so we'd only have 1 car payment, then his truck's transmission went out, so that left us with 1 car. And that car is his dad's car. His dad was told last year that he is unable to drive anymore, so he let us use his car. We made it on 1 car for MONTHS. And that's not easy when I work 40 miles from home, and have 3 kids to get to school. Jeff's unemployment took a nose dive and stopped, and they are now saying we owe them money, we didn't get a tax return, I actually owe them money. What was on our side though is that we don't have any credit card debt. Overall it's been OK, could have been so much worse.

Shortly after my grandmother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. My grandmother is the sweetest person ever, and I adore her and love her more then words could ever explain. Shortly after that my grandfather was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Sadly he lost his battle in September. Jeff's dad had a stroke this year, and was wheelchair bound for quite some time, he's now getting around with a walker at home, and using a power chair outside of his apartment. Jeff's dad is my daddy, the only father figure I have in my life, and I think of him often. Jeff's mom is now in the hospital, and won't be going home for another week or so at least. Our niece had her car accident last year and she's endured several surgeries; she'll be having another one next week. Last Saturday my sister in law Christy was in a motorcycle accident and is still in the hospital; she fractured two vertebrae's, broke both arms, is in a Halo now for her neck etc... And I sit here with a broken toe now.

The hardest trial has been my relationship with Jeff. Twice I've researched apartments, divorce attorneys, figured out how much child support I'd get and working over a budget. I realized I didn't need to make any rash decisions until he had a decent job, we were over our financial stress and we were both thinking with clear minds. Then the unthinkable came, my trust with him was destroyed, and it still hurts today. I find it hard on many days to focus on the love I have for him instead of the hurt I've had to endure. We'll get back to where we were soon, I just pray every day for only kind words to leave my mouth, that my heart be filled with nothing but pure, happy thoughts, and that we get back to where we were.

All of this went on with busy schedules. Us working, soccer for 2 kids, dance, church, school functions, band, me trying to start my diaper cake business, taking care of Jeff's parents, spending time with my grandma etc.

Several good things came out of the past year... We all got baptised as a family, my kids have all learned the value of a dollar, I've gotten closer to God, I learned who my true friends were. They helped make Christmas have meaning for my kids last year, they quickly helped take care of kids when needed, they got together for laughs, they called to see what they could do, they hugged me and cried with me, they showed a true interest in me, my family and what I was going through. Thank you to those of you. I can't explain how much I love and appreciate each one of you for reaching out and being there for me, and my family... I know through all of this my relationship will be stronger with Jeff, and the kids will be better people. They've learned life isn't all about having fun and living care free, there are priorities and things more important then we all believe are out there.

I try each day to go through it with grace, and a smile on my face. But trust me, my kids have seen me cry, shout, angry etc more then they deserved to see out of me this year. But hey, I'm only normal. And they've got to see that parents are human as well...

Here's hoping we have a great 2008!!!

Fall come back!!

Today it didn't even reach 60, it's very windy, rainy and nasty out there. It's in the high 40's low 50's at night.... Sad thing is we aren't ready for it. Our heaters are the only thing in our house run on gas, and with all of the financial troubles we've been through, I let that get disconnected several months ago. With expectations of taking care of it in the next few weeks. So needless to say we are without heat in our house right now. And they've added a large deposit onto our bill that has to be paid as well.
It's only 74 in the house right now but with the expected lows over the next few nights I'm afraid it'll get worse before it gets better.
Through Thursday our high will not be over 63, with the low at 45. Then on Friday our high gets up too 70, gradually getting up to 76 by next Wed, with the low still getting in mid 50's. It always seems we are taking a few steps forward to just get knocked back down. I'm REALLY tired of it all right now...

Off to work on the house some and get the kids into bed. I have to go add extra blankets to there bed for tonight.

2 steps forward, 3 steps back..

OK, not really 3 back... but for the 1st time since Jeff lost his job last year we are without one of our extra's. Our Direct TV was shut off today because Jeff's check was only 1/4th of what I had anticipated it to be. Which really sucks.. It'll be Halloween (my next pay check) before I can afford to pay it and turn it back on. My check was budgeted to take care of the important things that HAD to be paid.. And his was enough to cover a few smaller things... Cable isn't a priority right now compared to electric, cell phone etc. Considering how far I drive on a daily basis, my cell phone is a must. SO the kids are busy playing UNO right now. It'll be good to not have a TV to tie up our time, I just hope in 2 wks I don't have to pay any extra fees to have it restored. We shall see.... So, that just means that all of that extra $$ will be on his check at the 1st of the month. His office didn't get all of there commission cut to them this cycle for whatever reason, so it'll be on the next check... So, until then..... Thankfully I can watch some of my much needed TV on the PC now, and we have a ton of movies.. and sports out of the yingyang to keep us busy. Jeff will just miss his NFL on Sunday...